Three Stages

Three stages. One after the other. One on top of the other. One in the heart of the other. All instinctive, machinery states. It has been with me for (four?)years. May be it never leaves me. Or perhaps this current of life is now getting extinguished within me. Or perhaps I am just tired. It seems that it has failed to accomplish its aim (whatever it is). They're now less intense and more mingled with the understanding of my own misery and therefore slightly less compulsive.

1. Chaos

- flabby flesh(following by constipation)
- Chaotic, disordered mind.
- Uncontrolled/uncontrollable thoughts, memories. Unable to concentrate.
- Always being in the state of complaining, moaning of a life that wasted, of the possibilities, opportunities, potentialities and a self that never get actualized and of not taking enough pleasure of life.
- Low in energy
- Powerless, shapeless, formless.

2. Contraction: Mind and body

- Stiffness of abdomen. Tightness of chest. Pressure on temples and forehead.
- Getting isolated from and feeling rage towards warm, ease and emotions. Becoming strict in tearing off every thread of?
- Intense concentration. Pure stillness. Able to control thoughts.
- Avoid eating as normal. Eating less.
- Talking less.  Emotionally become a stranger towards relatives. Always seeking solitude and silence.
- "It doesn't matter if your life is wasted. It doesn't matter if you only suffer. The whole of  (your) existence is but an illusion."

3. Expansion

- More laughing, willing to talk, getting close to others, to understand their experiences of being alive as if I am living them.
- More productive. High in energy. Seeing this life as something valuable. "This self has to be actualized."
- Eager to help others.